He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
