we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
