Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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