MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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