omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
