found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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