at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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