So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
