Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
