Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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