and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
