final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
