You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
