had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
