Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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