You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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