i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
