There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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