I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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