When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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