p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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