Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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