I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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