Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
