Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
this is an emotional support booty call
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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