Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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