i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She's the barista slut.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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