idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
