He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
