I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
