He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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