i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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