I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
third nipple confirmed
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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