Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
