her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
