If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
