I bet he comes in French.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
