My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
