just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
