Please, let me fuck your mom
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
