we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Green mimosas i think yes
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
