I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
soo... how was my night?
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