The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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