ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
