I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
