I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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