the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just had sex on a roof
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
