im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
