rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
