I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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