quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
