You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
