I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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