Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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